Yours Forever
by Cain
Summary: "New York City, would you give her to me? I'd be yours forever..."


**Author's Note:** I've never done a proper songfic, nor a one-shot, but this wouldn't leave me alone and I refused to let it be another multi-chap that I would spend the next two years trying to finish. Song is "New York City" by Punch Brothers, lyrics italicized. An aspect of this is similar to one of my personal favorite Jori fics, "Closest I Get", though I didn't realize it until I'd finished writing. The stories in general are quite different though. I won't say what is similar, so as not to spoil anything on either front if you've not read it, if you have, you'll probably know. Thought I'd give mention all the same, for the subconscious inspiration. As usual, no beta, all mistakes are mine.

**Yours Forever**

_Snow falls on the Hudson_  
_ Souls are lost by the lonely dozen_  
_ She was here and then she wasn't_  
_ Out there in the weather_  
_ Was it a frostbitten wind or a whisper_?  
_ I could swear I felt her_

Jade West stared out across the river, the morning's third cup of coffee clutched tightly in her hands. Tonight was opening night. A play written and directed by her would be premiering on Broadway. And she was only twenty-three. She had graduated from New York University's Tisch School of the Arts just a year ago. She'd been writing this play for years, though.

She'd started it senior year of high school after her guidance counselor suggested she keep a journal and maybe tried venting in there rather than taking out her endless rage on her fellow classmates. She'd scoffed at him, but when she got home that evening, she opened her laptop and began typing. Not a journal entry though, a story. A journal was too close, but a story, a script, a play...that could be about anything. It didn't have to be about her.

She worked on it every night and had probably rewritten it a hundred times before it became the show that would be seen tonight.

It wasn't a journal, because it wasn't about her. It was about fictional characters working through _their_ issues, not _her_ issues.

But she titled it _Journal _all the same.

_ If I knew her face..._  
_ If I knew her name..._  
_ If I knew would you..._

It was about an angry girl who pushed everything and everyone away. (Not her). And it was about another girl, with eternally open arms and a smile like sunshine. It was about how hard the sunshine girl tried to love the angry girl and how hard the angry girl tried not to love her back. It was about how the angry girl never gave in and the sunshine girl was finally forced to give up. Because anger always wins. (Because she always wins). Because the darkness always swallows the sun. It was about how much the angry girl lost in the end. About how much she needed sunshine. About how hard it was to admit what she'd lost.

She took a sip of her coffee and wondered if Beck had kept up his end of the deal. He was her only friend from high school that she was still in touch with regularly. They'd broken up senior year, but it had been surprisingly amicable. He and Cat both skipped college and focused on auditions and performing. Robbie went to school in L.A. Andre went to a conservatory in Chicago. And Jade and Tori both went to New York, albeit on different paths. Jade to NYU to study drama and film and Tori to the Manhattan School of Music. They saw each other fairly frequently their first year here, the following year less so. The last time she'd seen Tori was three years ago.

It was snowing and Tori was freezing. She was always freezing. She was staring at the ground, she was trying not to cry. Jade was trying to be less of a bitch than usual, but it wasn't really working because she was furious.

"I'm just tired," Tori said, not meeting Jade's glaring eyes.

Jade didn't respond, didn't allow her expression to falter the slightest. She was an actress, after all, to her very core. Tori was a singer and never hid her emotions half as well. Of course, Tori rarely felt the need to hide her emotions either.

"So you win," Tori finally looked up then, half-smiling. "I'm not your friend and I'm done trying."

When she said it, Jade thought it seemed like a weight had been lifted from the other girl. While her own stomach was twisting itself into tangles, Tori seemed relieved. She was sad, she didn't hide it, but she was relieved all the same.

Jade knew that look because it was the same look she'd seen in Beck the last time they'd broken up. She was a hell of a lot of work and it was draining. They had dated on and off for just under five years. She and Tori...whatever they were...had made it past the five year mark, but then Tori jumped ship as well. And where Jade had been OK when things ended with Beck, knowing herself that things had simply run their course, when Tori said she was done, it hurt.

But Jade West would never tell her so. Could not give her the satisfaction of thinking she meant something to her. When she opened her mouth to reply, in her head she heard the word 'please', almost begging. That she could not allow. So what she said instead was "Good. It's about time."

Tori tilted her head to the side and looked at her in a way that said she knew Jade better than that. She knew that wasn't how she felt. But she also knew it was all she'd get from the other girl.

"Goodbye, Jade," Tori stepped forward, and pulled Jade into a hug. Jade kept her own arms crossed, didn't hug back. Tori stole a quick kiss on the cheek before turning on her heel and walking away.

Jade watched her go, watched until she was out of sight.

Tori didn't look back even once.

She sighed and pulled her coat tighter. It wasn't snowing now, but it felt colder than it had that day three years ago.

_ How long can my heart live_  
_ With the key kept away from its cage of locked ribs_?  
_ If it's mine why's it in prison_?  
_ Out there in the weather_  
_ Where it's cold as it is bitter_  
_ It could die or it could find her_

Tori looked at the tickets stuck under a magnet on her fridge. She'd had a strange sort of staring contest with them every day since Beck had given them to her.

They'd met for lunch as they did every so often and just before they went their separate ways, he'd pulled an envelope out of his coat. "I promised to give these to you," he'd said, before walking away before she even had a chance to open it. He was long gone by the time she did.

Even in high school, during the peak of Jade's insistence that there were "not friends", Jade had always let Tori read her plays. Except one. There was one that she worked on constantly and that was saved under the file "journal" on her laptop. For a long time, Tori had assumed it _was_ a journal and so respected it as private. But one day, she'd come over and the laptop was open and she realized it wasn't a journal at all. It was a play. She had started to read it, just the bit that was already on the screen, only for Jade to completely freak out on her. Thereafter, Tori quickly learned that mentioning it at all was a surefire way to unleash hell.

Was this that play? It had to be. Didn't it?

Why did Jade want her to see it, though? And should she go? They hadn't spoken in years, not since Tori had finally found the strength to end things between them. A painful memory, even after all this time, but a decision Tori had never regretted. It had to be done, for her own emotional well-being.

Things between them had never been easy. But that wasn't the problem. Tori didn't need easy.

She leaned over the armrest of her couch and fell back, sinking into the plush green cushions.

High school had been some sort of tug of war of love and hate between them. Up until senior year, when things got...complicated.

The summer after junior year, Tori came out to her friends, after being found out by her family. It was strange and she still wasn't entirely sure of what her thought-process had been at the time. She never thought any of them would care that she was gay. Gay kids were practically tripping over themselves coming out of the closet at Hollywood Arts and no one ever batted an eye. And her family, well, they loved her and had supported her in everything she'd ever done. But this...she didn't want to tell. She didn't want it to be a thing that people talked about, her love life (her attempted hetero romances had all ended disastrously and the school's gossip mongers dragged the suffering out longer than it ever needed to be on all accounts). It was private. It was her business, not anyone else's, and besides, she was young, she didn't know anything for sure, so why "come out" as one thing when she might not even actually be that?

That might have been part of her thinking until she finally got up the courage to actually go out on dates with other girls. She hit quite a few parties that summer and got pretty good and silently scoping out the girls that might have similar...tastes. It took one date with another girl for her to be certain that she was pretty damn gay. It wasn't even a particularly great date, but there was an attraction there, something unlike anything she'd felt with any of the boys she'd dated, and even though she didn't see that girl a second time, she knew.

And then there were other dates, some better, some worse. One girl, Marcy, that she saw a fair amount on and off, the one that she lost _it_ to (at which point, any lingering doubts about her sexuality were firmly obliterated). Marcy was never a girlfriend, but she was something of a mentor for Tori, strange as it sounded. She was the one that Tori could talk to about everything and anything. They were fast friends and while there was the occasional makeout session and that one night, they were never really more than friends. She still talked to Marcy from time to time.

And then there was her last summer fling, the week before school started again, a girl named Daisy. She was adorable and sweet and she walked Tori to the door and kissed her goodnight, and Tori had a really good feeling about that one. That one might actually make for girlfriend material, she'd thought.

Until two days later her father confronted her about it, having seen that goodnight kiss when he was rolling the trash out to the curb, and he cared a lot more about it than Tori ever suspected he would.

It's not like he hit her or threw her out of the house or any of that. But she was ordered to stop, to never speak of it, to never even think of it. There were camps they could send her to, he'd said. They could have a sit down with the priest. Her family were the most lapsed of all lapsed Catholics, but apparently mattered all of a sudden.

They were adamant though and Tori had never seen her father as angry as he'd been that night.

Trina, at least, didn't care. She blew off her date that night and sat with Tori and they ate mint ice cream and watched rom coms in Tori's room until the sun came up.

_If you knew her face_...  
_If you knew her name_...  
_If you knew would you..._

And though she honored her father's wishes at home and didn't go on anymore dates (not until she was on the other side of the country did she try that again) and didn't say anything about it, didn't say much of anything at all to either of her parents, really, on the first day of senior year, at lunch, she told her group of friends.

She was mildly distracted. She'd gotten another text from Daisy. She hadn't responded to any of them, as per her father's request. She felt terrible.

"Tori, you've been down all day, what's up?" Andre asked, taking a seat at the table.

"Yeah, you even zoned out in Advanced R&amp;B Vocals II and that's like your favorite class!" Robbie chimed in.

"How did you even get in that class?" Tori asked, trying to steer the discussion away from herself. (And also because she was truly perplexed as to what Robbie Shapiro was doing in the class).

Robbie scoffed. "I can sing."

The whole group stared at him in unconvinced silence.

He took a deep breath and was about to demonstrate when Rex cut him off.

"Please, don't," the puppet interrupted. "Administrative errors. He was supposed to be a TA for Tech Theater II. He'll be out of the class by the end of the week."

"Maybe I want to stay in R&amp;B Vocals," Robbie complained.

"Then the rest of the class will be out by the end of the week. Either way, you'll be alone," the puppet barked back. "Ha!"

"Why are you sad?" Cat asked, steering the conversation back to Tori.

"Who cares?" Jade snipped.

Beck rolled his eyes. "Everything OK, Tori?"

She sighed a minute, looked at each of them- Robbie arguing with Rex; Cat's big brown eyes, full of concern; Andre waiting patiently for her reply; Beck looking at her apologetically on behalf of Jade, who was focused mostly on her salad.

"'I'm gay," she said then, surprising herself a bit with her bluntness.

It took a second before what she'd said seemed to register with the others, but she was met with a supportive chorus.

"That's cool."

"No one cares about that, Tori."

"It's hot!"

"Rex!"

"You don't need to be sad about that," Cat said with a laugh, pulling Tori into a half hug.

"I'm not sad about that," Tori explained, relieved that they'd all reacted as expected. "My... my parents didn't take it so well. And there's this girl that...I kind of thought..." she relayed the story of what had happened with Daisy then, her friends all being equally shocked about her parents reaction. They all thought that she should call Daisy anyway, screw what her parents thought about it.

Jade didn't say anything at all.

But things seemed different between them after that.

And Tori never returned Daisy's texts.

Things got a lot weirder the following fall, in New York. She and Jade spent a lot of time together, neither of them knowing anyone else in the city. Tori loved it because it was Jade and she'd always wanted to be close to Jade. Always, from the minute they meant. And though she was gorgeous, and Tori could not deny having more than the occasional daydream about the other girl, she'd never expected anything to come of it because, seriously, what were the chances? But things heated up quite a bit that first Christmas away from home. And it wasn't like they were a couple or anything. They were just friends. At least, in Tori's mind. Jade still liked to deny that, but there was less venom in her voice when she did.

And when her head was between Tori's legs, Tori found it hard to believe there had ever been any venom at all.

But Tori got a lot more attached than Jade ever got to her and Jade slept with quite a few people that following summer. Girls, guys, didn't matter. And Tori couldn't say anything because it's not like they were a couple, but it still hurt. And if she did try to say something, Jade would snap at her.

But they'd still spend most of their free time together. And no matter who else Jade fucked around with, she usually ended the day in Tori's bed. Tori made the mistake of actually asking her out once, and earned the silent treatment for a solid two weeks. But when Jade came back, Tori could swear the other woman was sorry, could swear she could feel it in her touch, in her kiss, in every electric moment. And everyone else was a one off. It was only Tori that she came back to. That had to mean something, right?

It didn't take long for it to not be enough for Tori though. And she would never not be proud of herself for finally ending things with Jade. The way they were, it just wasn't fair. She needed more and if Jade couldn't give it, she'd find someone who could. She hadn't found that person yet, but there was no rush. She had plenty of options.

She propped herself up on her elbows and peered over the back of the couch at the fridge, eyeing the tickets. To go or not to go? She was running out of time to decide. And there were two tickets, so who to bring?

_New York City_  
_Would you give her to me_?  
_I'd be yours forever_  
_My old man says_  
_If you're good the world gives you_  
_The things you ask for_

When the curtain rose, Jade thought she would pass out. She leaned against a beam of some sort to support herself and anxiously watched from the wings. She wondered if Tori was in the audience somewhere?

She had calmed herself down considerably by intermission. It wasn't like there was any particular challenging technical aspects to the productions. It relied almost entirely on the writing and the acting. It was a series of moments, some long, some short, some happy, some sad, some infuriating, between two people. Mostly played naturally, but sometimes more staged, when characters would step into the spotlight and address the audience with their innermost thoughts. It wasn't anything revolutionary. It was just a story that she had to tell. (About fictional characters that in no way reflected her).

The cast was doing fantastic, especially her leads. They were capturing everything she needed them to. The desperation and fear and hurt behind the anger; and the crushing weight of darkness welling up, threatening to tear asunder an otherwise happy person. She needed that. It could just be the mean girl and the happy one. That wasn't it. It wasn't about that. Act II was where they would be most tested though. They did fantastic in rehearsals, but now it was showtime.

The angry girl stepped forward to deliver her final monologue, after finally being left for good, to end the show. All the stage was black, except for the light shining down on her.

"I win," she said softly, dejectedly. "Doesn't feel like winning," she paced a bit, staring down at her feet. "What does she expect, though? I never promised her anything. She acts like I cheated, when we weren't a couple. She wants things I can't give her. And I don't...I don't know why. I just can't. I wish I could. I think I'm just not cut out to be happy and she...she is. I only bring her down. So I'm doing her a favor, by being this way. I'm making it easy for her to leave, because it doesn't make any sense why this started in the first place. I can't _not_ be drawn to her. She's the fucking sun. I don't even like the sun, but I need it. Everyone needs it. It is necessary for life. That's just a fact. The sun doesn't need us, though. It gets nothing from us in return. So why does she care so much? Why does she try so hard? Why did it take her this long to finally, _finally_ give up on me? She held out longer than anyone before her. I kind of thought maybe she'd hold on forever," she scoffed a bit at that, though the pain was apparent in her voice. "I don't have any right to feel like that. I don't have a right to push as hard as I can and then get mad when she can't bear it anymore. I can't help it though. I could never help it. But I don't feel like I've won. I feel like I've lost the only thing I had that was worth anything. I feel like I condemned myself to darkness and it isn't as great as I always made it out to be. I feel like I wanted the sun a lot more than I let on. Doesn't mean I'm turning into an optimist or anything. Some day, the sun will kill us all, but we still need it in the meantime. It'll always be a doomed relationship, from our side at least. Why couldn't I ever say anything that she wanted to hear? I know the words. I knew the time. The moments. I always refused and I always darkened her days and I never felt good about it, but I sure as hell made it seem like I did. And in the end, she finally believed me. So I guess I did win," she looked out into the darkness. "But only by losing everything."

The stage went dark for a moment, and the audience cheered. Guess a happy ending isn't always best, Jade thought.

_New York was I wrong when_  
_I built my dreams on a little island_?  
_Did I ever really want them_?  
_Bridges in all directions_  
_Three in the morning can't believe I never saw them_  
_Maybe I should be going_

Tori felt a pinch of guilt for glaring at Beck in the seat next to her when the lights came up. He'd known what this was. He'd had to have known.

"That was really good," her date said, leaning over her seat, breaking Tori's attention away from Beck.

"Yeah, it...it was. Kind of depressing, though," Tori tried.

"Some love stories take longer. I choose to believe that they'll find each other again and maybe this time, she'll have the guts to say what she needs to say. She won't let her walk away again."

"I agree," Beck chimed in.

Tori shot him a second, icier glare.

He smirked before turning his attention to his own date.

"So you know the writer?" his date said then.

"Uh, yeah, we went to high school with her out in California."

"You know her too?" Tori's date asked. "Not that well."

Beck frowned. "Tori was her best friend, though she didn't really know it."

"Who didn't know it? Tori? Or..." she glanced at the playbill. "Jade West?"

"I don't think either of them realized exactly what they were to each other."

"Ooh, this sounds more dramatic than the play just was."

"No, no, Beck's just making things up," Tori replied, getting to her feet quickly. "Let's get outside. Get some fresh air. It's stuffy in here."

"Uh huh," Beck chuckled, earning a stealthy elbow in the side from Tori. "Ow!"

He grinned again. "There's Jade now," he nodded down toward the floor in front of the stage, where Jade was talking to people, shaking hands. "Let's go say hi!"

He took his date by the hand and led the way, Tori's own date following anxiously behind. Tori found herself stuck in place and unprepared.

Jade nodded a greeting to Beck when he approached and greeted both the other women with forced civility. Beck looked around for Tori, could tell Jade was doing the same, but Tori was nowhere to be found.

Beck leaned down and gave her a quick hug. "She did come, though, I swear.'

"Thanks," Jade replied, solemnly, as her eyes fell upon a familiar figure hastily making her way out of the theater.

_If she knew my face_...  
_If she knew my name_...  
_If she knew would you..._

This is ridiculous, Tori thought. It's been three damn years and she broke my heart. Over and over and over. I don't even know her anymore. And what was that? Why did she want me to come? She wrote a play about us, about all the things she never did and never said and will never do and will never say and what am I supposed to do with any of it?

She hugged her coat tightly around her torso. Winter in this city was so freaking cold. Why did she even still live here?

"Hey."

Tori closed her eyes and inhaled deeply when she heard that voice behind her. She didn't reply.

"I wasn't sure you'd come."

"Free tickets to a Broadway show, why pass that up?" Tori's response was far more bitter than she intended, but she couldn't help it.

Jade couldn't understand why she felt even more nervous now than she had all day. It was just Tori.

"You didn't think maybe some of that was kind of private to put up on stage for all the world to see? It's not just your story, you know."

"No one knows that," Jade shrugged. She had expected Tori to object to a few small scenes here and there. She was always a bit more reserved about such things.

"And Beck," Tori frowned. She looked around for him, and for their respective dates then.

Gleaning as much, Jade answered. "He's in the bar over there, across the street. With those women you two came with. They're expecting you to join them, I just wanted a minute first. And Beck already knew all of that. I kind of tell him everything anyway."

Tori glowered at her then.

"Well, not _everything_ everything," Jade corrected.

A few more moments of uncomfortable silence passed between them before Jade spoke again. "So...what did you think?"

"It was a good show. The actors were really great and it was...well, I always said you're stuff was great and you always said I didn't know what I was talking about."

"Look, Tori..."

"What do you want from me, Jade? It's been three years and you just..." she blinked a few times, hard. She was not about to cry over this.

"Are you OK?" Jade asked, sounding genuinely concerned.

"No, I'm not OK. I mean, I'm not...I think I got a raindrop in my eye, it's starting to rain," and it was so she wasn't entirely lying.

"Tori..."

"I'm not crying again, don't worry. I've cried enough over you for one lifetime."

"I'm not expecting anything from you, Tori. I just...I wanted you know how I felt. How I feel. I'm not good at saying this stuff, OK? I'm sorry. I wanted to say I'm sorry. And I didn't know how else to do it."

"So you want me to forgive you?"

Jade shrugged. "I just want you to know. That's it."

"Beck said I was your best friend."

"Yeah, well..."

"Even though you never missed an opportunity to tell me I wasn't your friend."

"I'm not good with feelings, I thought we covered that already?" She replied, more joking than defensive.

"The worst thing about you is that you always... you can just...you..."

"I love you, Tori."

"Oh my God, what is wrong with you?! You can't just say that to me now. What the hell, Jade?"

"I know it's been a long time and I know I've hurt you, but I would really like it if, maybe, you'd let me be your friend again?"

"WHAT?"

"I get that you're mad at me. And you should be. I know we can't just go back to being like it was."

"No, we can't," Tori agreed, brow furrowed. Jade was sure she'd never seen Tori this mad for this long before.

"Is that...like a final no? Like a fuck off and never talk to me again no? Or just a no, it won't be easy, but we'll get there kind of no?"

"I don't...I need to think. You can't just do this to me. You always just show up after being a complete gank and expect everything to go back."

"I don't expect it to just go back, I just said that."

"I was really proud of myself for walking away from you, you know. Like, really proud. I'm pretty sure I cried for a week nonstop about the whole thing, but I was proud of myself for finally standing up for myself and not letting you walk all over me and just treat me like I was just, I don't even know, like your favorite whore or something."

"I never thought of you like-"

"And now you're just doing it again."

"OK," Jade held her hands up in submission. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to upset you with this. Like I said, it was just...an apology. OK? We don't need to be friends again or whatever we were. We don't need to be anything to each other. I know I messed everything up. And I know you... I never meant to make you feel like that, Tori." Jade swallowed hard and started to move away, but Tori grabbed her wrist.

"I love you too, you idiot. I've always loved you. You just never let me say it. You didn't want to hear it. And now...this is so..."

Jade was glad Tori wasn't looking at her then, because she was sure she was smiling like an idiot. And since she couldn't get her face to do what she wanted it to and hide those damn emotions, she went another route, grabbing Tori's head in both hands and pulling her in for a kiss. She could never say the right things face to face, but she could say a million things in a kiss. When Tori didn't pull away, she pushed for more; and when Tori relented and sank forward into her, her hands settling on Jade's hips, Jade knew she had her second chance.

When they broke their three-years-overdue kiss, Tori rested her forehead against Jade's. "Please don't make me regret this."

Jade just shook her head, still trying desperately to reign in her smile. She took both Tori's hands in her own and brought them up to her lips. "I promise."

"Otherwise, being the sun and all, I just might explode and consume everything in fiery death."

_New York City_  
_Would you give her to me_?  
_I'd be yours forever_  
_You know what I'm after_  
_Tell me how many times do I have to ask you_  
_I'd be yours forever_


End file.
